so last night was our annual open house, where so many people come downtown to walk in the cold on the same night. i got myself bundled up from the cold and headed down there, finding no open parking spots. i finally found one and started towards all the people.
i ran into charlotte and her mom so i walked with them for a bit, and then i saw john so we walked around, saw jamie, kate, and a lot of other people. then we were going to look for bing and saw john in dominoes and he gave us free pizza, and of course, john loved it.
after that we found bing, and then i ran into jason and ben and a whole bunch of other people, and we all walked around for a while, until we somehow stopped in an alley and ended up having this huge snowball fight. it was a lot of fun, but very chilly.
then a bunch of them were going to go to bens house to watch a movie, but someone forgot to tell kim how to get there, so i stayed and walked with john, until we ran into andrew. andrew and i have had a past, so it was kind of weird, but fun since we hadn't hung out in a long time.
john had to leave and so andrew, dylan, and i stayed for a while, fucked around until dylan went to go get his friend from work. so andrew and i headed towards our cars, and he offered me a ride to mine (even though it wasnt that far). so we get to my car and we end up sitting in his car talking for about an hour. it was a little awkward because he started holding my hand and all that stuff, which was fine because i figured it would happen. then at like 11:30 i was like i think i better get going, but i was saying to myself kim, if you dont kiss him, you're going to regret it, so i kissed him. After that he said to me, I knew that was going to happen from the moment you got into my car.
I dont think a relationship is going to happen between us, because we both said that we dont want to get attached during our senior year and then have to leave it all behind. So who knows, maybe we'll hang out more, which we prolly will, but if anything will happen I dont know.
over the weekend my mom and i went down to mt. pleasant so that i could compete for a full ride to central. i had to go attend some workshops and speakers, and then write an essay - and the topic was about standardized testing and it was pretty easy.
after that we went back to my grandparents house in mt. pleasant to stay with them, and then we went to church and dinner with them, and then things went downhill. i want so badly to tell someone how im feeling about what happened, but i cant, not yet at least. so for now im going to have to grin and bear it, and hopefully it'll get better soon.
today after school i went to the college to work out, and ended up seeing kyle hickman there. we talked for a little bit and then i started running/walking/beating myself up haha and he's out there running like 3 miles. it made me feel pathetic, but then again i havent really ran in like a year, so i guess it wasnt too bad for me.
shane and i might hang out on friday... im not sure what my mom will let me do since its a holiday weekend and all that fun stuff. we're having my mom's family christmas thing on sunday, so that will be fun i think.
I never have the motivation to write in here anymore, and I dont' know why. Maybe its because I don thave the motivation to do much of anything anymore. I have come to realize that if I want something to change, that I have to do something about it. Something my mom said to me earlier this morning just really made me realize that I need to do something about it.
Today is just one of those days where I hate myself - for so many reasons - and I need to change that. Im starting today, and Im going to keep up with it so that something like this doesnt happen again. It takes an emotional toll on me, and its happened to me before, but now its really sinking in. And I really want it to change, so lets hope I can keep up with my busy schedule to do it. At least I hope so...
I finally called Shane ye sterday. I was freaking myself out over my phobia of calling people for really no reason, and I just called him, and we talked for about 5 minutes. He was surprised to hear from me, and I was surprised that I was actually talking to him. He was just getting ready to go play poker with his friends, so he said he'd call me on Friday and that we will try and hang out, which I hope happens be cause I havent really talked to him or hung out with him in a long time.
I might have to to down to CMU on saturday for a scholarship competition, but I have to call them today and see what time it starts and if my mom still wants me to go. I think that I have to go down there and write an essay and then if they like my essay I will move onto the next round, and depending on the topic I might do well or I might not - who knows.
I've got to go to my college class tonight, and for some reason Im not really looking forward to it very much, and I dont really know why. But I guess its something to do.
so tonight jamie and i are hanging out, and we meet up with our friends from harbor, and we end up going to ryan's house, and they were getting ready to have a party, but we werent going to drink because we had other things to do. so we're there, having a good time, just hanging out with these people, and then ryan's ugly and not to mention way too jealous girlfriend comes over, and jamie and i could tell she didnt like us being there. so we decided at like 7:30 that we were going to leave, so we go out to the porch to say bye to ryan, and jackie was out there too, and we were like we're going to go, and jamie said see you later quazzy (ryan's nickname) and then we turn around and jackie mocks us and was like uh see you later quazzy, and ryan was like jackie! dont fucking do that. jamie and i just kept going and then all of a sudden she comes running after us, and gets us on the front porch and was like, do you guys want my boyfriend? we were like, no we have boyfriends (even though i dont, and well haha i do want her boyfriend lol) and she was bitching about more stuff and we're like we're just friends, and she's like well, if you even think about touching my man, i'll beat your ass. and then we walked away - seriously, this girl had problems. and you could hear ryan inside yelling at jackie to come back inside and to shut up, it was so stupid. so then we left.
we ended up going to the hockey game and we saw katie there and we talked to her for the first period, and then we were really cold so we decided to leave, and then we went to walmart cuz i had to get a birthday present for john for tomorrow. we were just walking around being bored, then we left and drove aimlessly around forever, and then we stopped to see jamie's mom at work, and then went to 7-11 for some drinks. then we just drove around more, because there isnt anything else for us to do in this town. then i dropped jamie off and went back home, where im just chilling with my mom now.
so thursday night there was this halloween party at the college for all the college kids ... my brother was going and my mom was actually going to let me go (which is very odd) so i went. i left at like 11 and didnt get home until 12, because i was really tired. i was really nervous about going cuz i wasnt sure i would know anyone else there, but karleigh was there, so we hung out for a while. we did the limbo together, and then they had a costume contest and other stuff. it was fun, but i was so tired i left early.
then friday i went to school, and a group of us were planning on going bowling that night, so i was excited about that. later that night i was getting ready and we all met up at abbey's house, and kory, myc, matt, scottie, abbey, and i ended up going, which was a lot of fun. we stopped at bc pizza for some dinner before we bowled, and it took forever, but we finally got to bowl.
for some of you who dont know, i used to be on a bowling league and was actually good - haha not so much anymore. lets just say someone was beating me in the 2nd frame and i was in the 8th ... yeah it was bad, really bad. but we had fun. but then myc kept on tickling me and i would freak out because i am super ticklish, but it was fun.
then today, i was bored and had no plans, so i stayed home all day and watched football. but i have to admit that the michigan - michigan state game was a great game - but it was still boring to be sitting at home on a saturday night. and tomorrow is halloween, and i dont have any plans either for that, but i might call some people and see what their up to and hang out with them.
this weekend was so much fun. friday after school i went to help decorate for my sister's wedding and then i went and got my nails done with my mom for the wedding. later that night we had rehearsal, and then rehearsal dinner, which was fun.
then on saturday i got up and got ready and my sister and i went to get our hair done, and then i went and visited jamie and she did my makeup before i met back up with the wedding party.
we got ready at the country club, and heather and abbey were working and that was a lot of fun. we just hung out and ate some crackers and cheese and little sandwiches and got our dresses on and all that stuff.
then we headed to the church, where my sister wouldnt stop pacing around because she was so nervous. eventually we get her dress on and fix up her train (which was HUGE) and of course, i had to mess with it all the time. then the photographer came in for some pictures and then we just had to wait for the ceremony to start.
being maid of honor, i got to walk down with andy's younger brother matt, who was really nice and we just had a great time hanging out with one another. the wedding was really pretty, a lot of people were there, but it all turned out nicely.
then, after more pictures, we headed out to our stretch hummer limo waiting for us - OMG that thing was the shit. maybe some of you saw us driving around, but seriously, it was so incredible. we ended up driving around for about an hour and we drank and we drank lol ... katie and i had to pee so bad and john was being an ass and starting talking to us about waterfalls... so as soon as we got to the hall we ran in to pee. then they introduced us all.
after that we just visited with everyone for a while, and wow so many people came up to me and told me how pretty i was, or how beautiful i was ... and i mean im not trying to be arrogant, but it felt really good. im not used to all that attention, and it really made me happy.
then dinner started and eventually we got to the toasts - and eh i had to make one and i didnt have anything prepared, so i just b-sed my way through it, and it was all fine. then we cleared the dance floor and the music started.
later matt and i had to do the dollar dance, and we were having a competition to see who could raise more money. i really wanted to win. so one of the groomsmen comes up to me and he's just so drunk already and says to me, "I want to dance with you, sweetheart." and i was like sorry, i cant right now, BUT if you give me a little extra money ill dance with you after im done, and he kinda looks at me, and says, "god, that's almost like prostitution!" but of course, he gave me the extra money. haha. matt and i ended up both making $90 each, which was kinda weird that we tied. but it was fun.
then i just danced the rest of the night, and jon kerton was there (and some of you know that he's got a very, very nice ass lol) and we danced, i danced with nick, since he gave extra money, ryan, matt, john, and my uncle bill, and maybe more, but john kept on bringing me drinks that im not sure i remember everyone.
but after it was all over i had to stay and help clean up, and that night i didnt get home until like 1 and went to bad at 2, and had to get up to go open gifts with melissa and andy this morning. all i have to say was that this weekend went by way too fast. but it was well worth it.
homecoming was supposed to be fun this year ... my senior year, i had a date for the first time, i was going to hang out with some of best friends, it was going to be great. so what happened? well abbey, matt, katie, and megan all met up at my house before pictures, and then we headed down to the country club for some pictures and to show off to our co-workers. then we went to katie's house, and to visit keith at work for some more pictures. then we met up with bing and zach and kassie and her date at pizza hut for dinner.
i should have known things were going downhill from there ... because craig, my ex, who i dont get along with very well, was working there, and i was just oh-so-excited about that.... but i didnt really care because scott was supposed to meet up with us around 7:30 since he had to work until like 5:30. well 7:30 comes and scott doesnt, and we eventually sit down for dinner, and he still doesnt show up. then at like 8:30 we leave to go hang out at walmart to pass the time, and he still hasnt come.
so im in walmart, and i was pretty upset, and abbey could tell, so we left everyone and i just broke down crying because i was so upset, and she was so nice to me about it, she got me laughing even though i was so dissapointed, which made me feel good. the other girls were really cool about it all and we just had a great time goofing around.
so we get to the dance, and i see like 4 people who all ask me where scott is, so i tell them and of course it makes me want to cry even more, but i try not to show it around all the people. then i got to the dancefloor and we were all just having a great time. abbey, katie, bing, and megan were so wonderful trying to make me feel better that i was so thankful to be with them.
after the dance on the way home i was crying, and of course, when i get in and my mom is asking me how things went, i couldnt hold it in, so i told her that scott didnt show up, and i start crying again, and then she was trying to make me feel better by saying that maybe he got into an accident (not implying that him getting hurt is a good thing, but that he had a good reason for not showing), and so she's like maybe you should call him tomorrow and make sure that's not what happened, because you would feel really bad if you found out that's what happened. so i tried calling him twice today, and he wasnt home either times, so i guess i'll have to try and talk to him tomorrow, and hopefully i can figure out why he had to be such an ass this weekend.
I hate it when you beg someone to tell you what another person said about you, and then when they finally tell you it makes you feel so dumb ... it happened to me tonight at work, and now i feel like a dumbass.
Heather told me something that Scott had told her a while back about us, and I mean it wasnt to make me mad but it needed to be said and it just made me feel worthless, like I cant make things right between us because of this now.
So now I'm worrying, probably about nothing, but if you know me, I'm going to worry lots. But because Heather told me what she did, it makes me realize that Scott and I need to communicate better with each other to make things work.
Ugh, I really miss him and can't wait for him to come up for homecoming, but now I'm scared because of what Heather told me tonight.... please say that I'm overreacting ... because this is freaking me out that I dont know what he thinks about some things ... so I just have to remember to casually bring it up with him.. wish me luck.
normally i'm not really excited about the preparations for homecoming, but tonight, i've changed my mind ... scott called me this morning and left me the cutest message - it made me smile. so i called him back after i tanned and picked up my check, but he wasnt home. so then i called him once i got out of my college class, and i asked him if he wanted to come with me to the homecoming dance, and he's like, yeah, i can definately do that. i was so excited, i havent seen him in about a month, and now that i know he's planning on coming up for the dance im so excited.
this will be the first dance that i've ever had a date for. its going to be such a nice change. im thinking that scott and i will go with jamie and brian for dinner and pre-dance stuff, if everything works out. then we'll hang out at the dance, and i doubt i'll be able to do anything after the dance, but we'll see how leniant my mom will be about it this year.
my dress that im going to wear is navy blue, and its strapless. its also got a simple line of beads across the top - its really pretty - and i got it very cheap too (like a $150 dress for $26!). its being hemmed right now, so hopefully it will be done soon. im just so excited for homecoming now, i just hope that everything works out right.
omg i hate my computer, it just deleted my entire entry and it was really really long, and i am not about to try and type the whole thing over ... basically, boys suck in my life right now, i dont know if im going to homecoming and who im going with, my sister's wedding is coming up soon and its very hectic here, and i need an illustrator for my childrens lit book i have to write .... so if you can draw (...Lauren) let me know if you'd be willing to help....
wow its been a really long time since i've wrote in here, sorry everyone ... (not that my life is really that interesting anyways) but i've been pretty busy lately...
scott and i have hung out a few more times, and there have been some funny moments between us, but sadly he is leaving on wednesday for traverse city - but he said he would come up to visit me and i'll be making trips down to see him too, since its not that far away. charlotte and i might go thursday morning, but we're not sure yet.
i've been working a lot these past weeks since everyone is leaving to go back to college... i swear i spend most of my time there than anywhere else.
scott and i are supposed to hang out tonight, i told him to call me, and left him a message yesterday to remind him so i really hope he calls me soon, cuz we havent been able to hang out out of work in about 2 weeks.
im taking my road test on wednesday - wish me luck, im scared about the parking.
and i bought myself my own car on my birthday - i bought laurens wagon from her lol - and i found a cd and a notebook and a pair of sunglasses -- so if anyone's missing such items from lauren let me know, we'll get things back to you lol.
i still have to change my schedule around, and my counselor hasnt called me back yet to fix things but when everything is right i'll let you all know what my schedule is if you want to know.
well i dont even know where to start - its been so long since i've written that i dont even know where to begin.
im emotionally torn right now ... sometimes i feel like i should live up to my mom's expectations with certain things (boys for example) ... and then on the other hand i want to be me, even if she doesnt understand why.
basically i like these 2 guys right now, scott and david. my mom knows david and i are friends and hang out, and she knows who scott is, but she doesnt know anything else. i'm not sure what's going on with either of the guys right now ... scott leaves for college august 29th, so it makes me wonder if anything would still work between us while he's away. and i think that knowing david and i go to the same school makes me feel more comfortable knowing that we'd see each other pretty often. but i just dont know what's going on right now. im just a very confused girl, and i just dont know what to do.
i've been working a lot lately, and usually i only have 2 days off all week, and because of that i havent been able to hang out with any of my friends lately - which sucks, because i depend on my friends so much and not being able to see them kills me. i have only hung out with my friends like 4 times this summer, because our schedules are always conflicting -- but i usually have wednesday's off so if anyone wants to hang out let me know.
well i've gotta go to work at 7 tomorrow morning and deal with the bitchy ladies who carole said are "very needy" - great.
this morning scott came to pick me up at 12, and we waited for katie and megan to show up but everything got confused so we just met them at the state park. we were there until like 3:30 and i got a little sunburned, but other than that it went well. nothing really happened there except a little hand-holding.
then we drove over to taco bell and had some lunch, and again nothing happened but us holding hands. after lunch we drove to katie's house for her to change, and then we met abbey down at the waterfront. again, nothing happened.
then, i decided i should probably go home and we were just holding hands again, although something more could have happened, but it didnt. then we get to my house, and my dad's home so i avoid doing anything for him to see, so im just like thank you, i'll see you wednesday, and he left, even though i think we both wished he could have stayed longer.
so who knows what will happen with this, but i'll keep everyone updated -
so the other night at work, heather came up to me and asked me if scott had asked me out yet. i told her no, and so she went over and talked to him, and basically set us up for a date (because he was a bit nervous to ask me himself). so katie, devon, scott, and i are going to go to the beach tomorrow :) im very self concious in my bathing suit so im not really too sure about it all yet but we'll see. other than that, there isnt really too much going on right now...
going back to how i had the attention of 3 guys ... its now down to 2 - and i'm happy about that. blake, one of the guy's from georgia i'd been hanging out with, and i had our little thing, and then we didnt see each other for a few days. the next thing i know he's chasing a 13 year old and another friend of katie and abbey's. i think he's just trying get with every girl he can before he leaves, and that's fine if he wants to do it, but not with me.
scott, on the other hand, seems to be infatuated with me haha (yeah right). when we work together, he definately flirts with me (a lot) and i think the majority of the people i work with know about it. i think its a possibility of something to pursue, but im playing hard to get and it seems to be working on him. he drove me home from work the other week - but i swear nothing happened (even though people questioned that). and then apparently on the 4th of july he called chrissy at home to get my number, but she wasnt there. he's also had plenty of chances to get it, but he hasnt yet, but he will, plenty of us are certain of that.
and then there's david still, who likes me but doesnt want a relationship right now. we're supposed to hang out this summer but we havent yet because our work schedules conflict and we dont have any days off together. but hopefully we'll be able to hang out soon, now that he has his own car.
i had to work this morning at 10:30 and i got home around 3. it was really hot out so i laid out in the sun and got some of my tan back, which made me happy. and david was supposed to call me when he got done golfing so we could hang out but he hasnt yet, so maybe we'll hang tomorrow. other than that, nothing much has happened to me lately, except for me working a lot. i've gotten in like 40 hours a week (but im not going to complain) since my paychecks will be great. anyways, im blabbing about nothing, and i know none of you really care too much, so im out.
well this morning i woke up at like 11:45 and i sat around for a while bored as fuck. then i got ready for the day and made some pasta for dinner and cleaned the house a little bit.
then i was talking to lynn and we decided to go swimming .... but when we got to the water it was super cold and so lynn jumped in but i didnt want to get that cold. then on the way home we saw jeff, blake, devon, and katie on the course and so we snuck on to say hi.
then i decided i'd join them so lynn took me home and i changed really fast and she drove me back to the club and i met up with them. we played 18 holes (or should i say tried to play them) ... and blake and i managed to piss these 2 golfers off pretty bad. basically we drove in front of them when they were about to hit their balls but we didnt see them at all. go figure.
blake was being really weird tonight ... he went from trying to be all over me monday night to being a completly different guy tonight. i think i know why but we wont go there.
then jeff drove me home because i figured my mom would want me to be home for a little bit tonight since i have to work a double tomorrow.
i have to go in to work at 10 and then again around 4, and its the fish fry, which is usually the biggest event we have all year, so that will be just dandy. i still have to figure out what im going to wear .... damn themed nights. i dont think blake has to work though, but scott will probably be working. we'll see how that goes down...
i still dont have any set plans for the 4th yet, and david still wants jamie and i to go out to john's house but i've gotta ask my mom still and see what she thinks about it all. i just hope i can hang out with david soon because i feel bad that every time we want to hang out one of us has to work.
well ... this morning i had to work at 10:30 and came back to golf around 4 with jeff, blake, and devon. we got done and jeff was still out golfing and we couldnt find a ride anywhere so blake, devon, and i walked to my house ... blake and devon then left because we were having dinner. after dinner i made my brother drive me back to the club to see if they were still there. which they were ... so ryan left me and jeff drove to subway where i ran into mike morris and nick colby, and heard that mike crashed his new car and all that crap, and then the people at subway kicked us out because we "tried stealing a sign" yesterday ... which isnt entirely true lol. we then decided to go to applebees where it "was my birthday" and i got a free brownie (plus they sang to me) hehehe. after that we drove around bored as fuck and we ended up at my house. we played some pool and sat and watched reno 911. but my i have a small couch for 3 people hahahaha. they left at like 11:15 and now im bored. so that was my super long story of the day.
tomorrow night i have to babysit ... but i get to sleep in tomorrow morning - YAY! wow sunday is the fourth of july and i might be going to john's house for a fire and stuff if my mommy lets me. hopefully she will. it will be fun. that's about all i can think about to write for now ...
so basically i've got the attention of 3 guys right now ... and they're all at the same time.
the first one is dave, and some of you may now the story behind this but we've known each other since we were little kids, but we started hanging out this year, and everytime he wants to hang out i cant or he cant which is really making me mad. i was supposed to hang with him last night at john's house but my mom didnt want me to and i could have gone out to john's house again tonight but my mom didnt want me to go out there along - ugh.
the second guy is mike, he graduated this year and he was in my ta class with me, and we got to know each other toward the end of the year, and like dave, every time he asks me to hang out, i cant, which sucks. i feel bad for always having to break plans but its life.
the third guy is scott, he works in the kitchen and the club and that's about all i know about him. the other day heather came up to me and was like i think i know someone who is interested in you kim ... and i was like i have one guess as to who it is, and i guessed scott and heather was like how did you know? and i was like he stares at me every chance he gets. then she told me that he thinks im hot and gorgeous (is he confused maybe lol ... that cant be me) but who knows what will happen with that.
i just want to enjoy my summer and hang out with my friends, and right now jamie is in colorado and i always have to work on the weekends, so i barely have time to hang out with either of the guys, and when i do i cant go for some reason.
i hate how guys can play with our emotions ... they tell you one thing and it makes you feel so awesome and then they can make you feel worthless the next minute. i know im over-exaggerating each of the situations but for once i'd like to have a fun summer, and its not turning out so well right now...
last night ryan, john, melissa, andy, jenny, and i were at melissa's apartment watching the game and having a good time watching the pistons kick the lakers ass. ry and i came home and talked to my mom for a while, then we watched dodgeball lol. i was so tired after that so i went to bed.
this morning i woke up and put my bathing suit on and layed out in the sun - it was so nice. it made me sweat though - and i felt so gross. afterwards i took a shower and went next door to hit some golf balls - and i was doing really well today.
then i decided to paint my toenails pink - it sucks though cuz i cant paint my fingernails because its inappropriate for the country club. i have to work tomorrow morning, and after that im thinking i might go golf with jeff maybe ... either that or hang out with blake maybe. who knows.
i hate boys. its a sad thing to hate, but right now they all can kiss my ass - well maybe not, but they all cause so much drama and i hate it, but yet i love it. they're just all so confusing and it irritates me. okay enough of this...
well this morning i barely got out of bed because i stayed up too late watching the pistons lose - but i got up and i was running way behind and i couldnt figure out what to wear and i was not having a good morning. but then i stopped to realize that today was my last day at school for the year!
now i'm just sitting here waiting for mrs. simon to drop off my research paper so that i can figure out if i need to go in and take my exam for her class tomorrow. i really hope to god i did well on my paper - because mrs. simon was freaking out at our class today because of how pathetic our papers were. only one person got full credit on their paper - so im freaking out a little bit.
tonight's my brothers birthday and so i think my sister and andy and maybe my grandparents are coming over for dinner - but im not sure yet. i think im going to take him out to lunch tomorrow.
i've decided that this summer im sticking with a diet. after watching myself in our spanish video i have become disgusted with myself. i couldnt believe it - so im going to try my best to work out a lot during the summer to lose some weight.
argh my mommy's in a bad mood tonight and that makes for a lovely house - i have to go clean the bathroom before everyone gets here. more later...
all i want to say is boys are confusing ... they say one thing and then do another, and it confuses the hell out of me.
i havent been on here in a while and i dont even remember what has happened since the last time i've written ...
i've been hanging out with jamie a lot and now im working so my weekends are just about over for me.
andy was trying to get pistons tickets for game 3 of the pistons - lakers series and i really hope he gets them because david just told me that dylan was trying to get tickets for the same game and that they're already sold out, so im really hoping andy gets the tickets.
i think i have a gene that doesnt allow me to have anything between guys haha - if that's even possible - because i think i just fuck things up every time something happens in my life, which really sucks, and im beginning to wonder if its happening again...
god damnit all i have to say is that guys are so fucking oblivious to the things they do. i just really hope that im overreacting to what's going on right now. i just dont really want to explain everything right now but the things that are happening make me feel like shit and i hate how guys can so easily make you feel to great and then make you feel so shitty in a matter of days. it sucks but i know that everyone has problems like this but im just sick of all the drama and stuff that goes on and makes my high school years so pathetic. i mean look at me - i've dated 2 guys and they both turned out badly - and it seems that whenever i start liking a guy he either turns around and starts going out with another girl or they just do something stupid to make me go away. am i that pathetic of a person that i cant find a reasonable guy who will accept me for who i am? obviously im not going to find one in petoskey, thats for damn sure. okay sorry to have to vent all that to you all who read this boring thing but i just feel to depressed and alone right now, and i know i shouldnt feel this way over boys, but it sucks, and i'm going to admit that.
I've forgotten what it feels like, to feel normal, to be normal...
i just need to get these feelings out of my head right now ...
have you ever thought about what would happen if you ever died suddenly? what would your friends do? how many people would be affected by it? Just last night I was thinking about this .... and sometimes I feel as if my life is falling apart.
Last night I went to bed crying, for some stupid reason, and I layed awake in my bed, trying to imagine what would happen if I died that night. I didnt get much sleep last night because of this ... but if I were to die suddenly, I think that only like 10 or 15 people would actually care: My family and a few friends. I honestly dont know why Im still here today - what is my purpose? I feel like I'm a negative person, but I just am not seeing the whole picture right now.
These feelings will pass eventually - but until they do it's a thought always in my head.... what if? why am i here? I wish I knew the answer to that, because truly I feel like I am just an outsider to everyone except my family and close friends.
Im not sure how long it will take me to get over these feelings, but I sure as hell hope its soon. I want to be a happy teenager who gets to go out and have fun through high school - but for the past 3 years I feel that I have been invisible. Im starting to have more fun with my life, but its only one part that can help to change me ... but Im not sure what those other parts are.
Okay .. sorry to all of you who had to go through and read all of this - but I just really needed to express my thoughts and feelings.
ugh all i want to do right now is break down and cry.
i hate all the people who are freaking out about their plans for prom - well try thinking of the people who dont have dates. i cant decide whether i should even go or not because i dont have anyone to go with.
i found out today that ryan from harbor has a girlfriend - so him going to prom with me would be out of the question. and i dont think there is anyone else who would even consider going with me, so now i dont know whether i should go or not.
i think that deep down im not happy - but i just put on a happy face and pretend like i am. and i think that its starting to get to me. im not sure how much more unhappiness i can take. stuff with my family is still really messed up and my life is so complicated and cofusing that i just wish i could stop everything for a minute.
on top of all this i feel like i've lost a friend. ever since he started going back out with his ex he's a changed person, and i feel like we're drifting apart. i confided in him so much and now i dont have him to turn to. i miss being able to tell things to him and not having to worry that it would be spread around school. i just miss having him to talk to, plain and simple.
